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 /*
 Warning: do not compile; unpredictable results

 Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***
 Project:  Version - Windows 95

 Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):
 */

 #include  /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */                         
 #include  "process.h" /* For the court of law */                               

 #define say(x) lie(x)                                                          
 #define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE                               
 #define next_year soon                                                         
 #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship   another_beta_version                    
 
 void main()
 {
   if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
   {
     if (there_are_still_bugs)
       market(bugfix);
     if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
       raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
   }                                                                            
   while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
   {
     make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
                                                     lie.h */
     if (rumours_grow_wilder)
       make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
     if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
     {
       market_time=ripe;
       say("It will be ready in one month);
       order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
       order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
       order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
       vapourware=TRUE;
       break;
      }                                                                         
   }                                                                            
   switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
   {
      case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
        say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
        break;
     case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
        say("Yes it will work");
        ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
        pretend(there_is_no_problem);
        break;
      case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
        say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
            " the 32 bits architecture");
        inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
        inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
               "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
        inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
        get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
        break;
      case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
        say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
             everyone");
        register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
        when(time_is_ripe)
        {
          arrest(journalist);
          brainwash(journalist);
          when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
          {
            order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
            release (journalist);
          }                                                                     
        }                                                                       
        break;
    }                                                                           
    while (vapourware)
    {
      introduction_date++; /* Delay */
      if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
        break;
      say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
   }                                                                            
   release(beta_version)
   while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
   {
     bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
     release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
     introduce(more_memory_requirements);
     if (customers_report_installation_problems)
     {
       say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
       if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
       {
         ignore(customer);
         order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
                                               bastard");
       }                                                                        
     }                                                                          
     if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
     {
       divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
       wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
       marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
       devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
       if (boobies_start_to_hang)
       
         dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
     }                                                                          
     if (there_is_another_company)
     {
       steal(their_ideas);
       accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
       hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
       wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
       buy_out(other_company);
     }                                                                          
   }                                                                            
   /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
      us */
   order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
   buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
   laugh_at(everyone,
 for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
 }                                                                              
     
       
 void bugfix(void)
 {
   charge (a_lot_of_money)
   if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
     say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
   if (still_complaints)
   {
     ignore(customer);
     register(customer, big_Bill_book);
     /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
   }                                                                            
 }                                                                              

     
 Windows95 Annoyances, Copyright © 1995, 96 Creative Element. All rights reserved.
 This 'humor' page may be freely distributed without permission as long as the address of this resource is included.
 However, this does not apply to the rest of Windows95 Annoyances.

Ultima actualizacion: 26/10/2003 - 12:08:13
Autor(es): Andrés Herrera
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